New Quote Board

Kristen: I like her red dress.  Mostly because its Red. And its a dress.

Me: I have a valentines present for you.
Donny: Is it a .... woman?

Taylor: Laura, you weren't thinking in the box. You weren't even in the factory.  You were out in the northern city somewhere.

Me: Lets play one more round of wackee 6 and then we will install 7 wonders on the carpet.

Laura: I'm a hologram!
Justin: Then go inhabit some random construct and make me a sandwich.

Me: You secretly love me.
Donny: I think I openly love you.  & I hate you sometimes.
Justin: He does that openly too.

Me: Donny smothered me cause I said Uterus.
Justin: when was this?
Me: That time I said "HELP JUSTIN! He's smothering me!"

Donny: I'm so glad that light didn't fall on me cause I would have killed you with the glass shards embedded in my arm.

Justin: I'm in a room with americans trying to pronounce Japanese names.

Donny: oh. he accidentally the hair.

Donny: Congratulations on deficating cat, my salutations to you and your kin.

Me: We should lock cat in a room to play.
Donny: No, we should duct tape cat to Xander.

Donny: oooook.  You need to be less alive, and more on fire.

Danny: Aren't you glad you have your own minstrel?

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Baptisms for the Dead

You're about to head into unknown territory.  No one has ever been past the mountains in the distance. .  Noises come out of that place and people have deciphered what they know, or think comes out of the fog in the valley back there.  Everyone has their own ideas, and the weirdest of them all are called the Squeeks.  They have strange and fantastical ideas about what's on the other side of the mountain, that they are mocked for their beliefs.  Whether they have communication with people on the other side of the mountain, we don't really know. 

You're being forced to go there.  You have no choice.  Whether its a survey team, or science team, you're hoping to learn what's over there.  One of the Squeeks stops you before you go, saying: "You might want to stop at the lake.  You'll need a bottle of the water in it when you go. The only way to get through the obstacles is to throw the water on them." You scoff at them. Everyone avoids them, you can't be seen talking or affiliating with them. How humiliating.  They don't know what's on the other side.  You take off with your team, and you work your way into the mountains.  In front of you is a barrier.  Throwing rocks in, they pass the barrier just fine and you cross over finding yourself in front of a door you couldn't see while you were on the other side of the barrier.  After trying many hours to get through the door, you find that you still can't get through and you turn to leave.  Only to find out that you're stuck on the other side of the barrier.  You pound your fists on the barrier.  No one on the other side can hear you.  You can't go forward or back. You're destined to die here.  Several of your team start talking to other people stuck where you are.  They explain that you need special water to get through this door.  Some of your team accept this idea, while you and the rest of your team balk at the idea, along with other people who were there stuck there too.  How can water get you through a door. That's dumb.

You wait for a long time.  And suddenly, a bottle flies through the barrier and lands at your feet. It has your name on it.   Someone on the other side of the barrier had gone to get the water for you.  You have a choice now.  You can throw the water on the ground and laugh at the ridiculousness of the idea, or you can accept the idea that the water will get you through the door.  Everyone around you is telling you their own ideas but the choice is yours alone.

Back home however, the Squeek is being mocked and yelled at because they went to get the water for you on the other side of the barrier.  But because no one can see through the barrier, they don't know if you received it, or if you really needed it. All they're concerned about is that now they're seen as a friend of the squeeks, and that's not allowed. How dare they! Just because a Squeek helped you, they now all believe that you're a squeek, and they're not happy with that, when in reality, all they did was give you a bottle of water.  You are still exactly who you were before you crossed the barrier.

Essentially, Baptisms for the Dead allows us to provide keys we believe that they'll need to proceed on to salvation. They aren't baptized into the church.  They are "Baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost" which is the same rite as alot of other religions, just done differently. It is not said: "I baptize you Mormon, always and forever, and your records on church shall be thus." After this, the keys which you may have misplaced, didn't know about, or ignored while you were on Earth become available to you.

My Grandfather is Catholic.  He will most likely die Catholic.  And I look forward to helping put his name as a submission for Baptisms. Not because I gleefully rub my hands in excitement for going against his earthly desires not to join my church, but because if he gets there, and goes "oops." he's not stuck.

And in the event that all of us Mormons out there really are Loony, nothing has changed really.  At least as far as you're concerned, nothing else changes except a little check box in our records saying that someone, somewhere was dunked under the water, on behalf of someone with words said over them as they did, which seems silly to you, but to us, this holds so much sacredness, its done in our Temples.

Now, those of you who are upset about the Jewish Baptisms.  They aren't Jewish Baptisms. Your Jewish Ancestors aren't Mormon.  In fact, Mormon won't hold much meaning after death anyway.  Its just a collective name for a group of keys and a way of living that will catalyze progression after we die.  Your ancestor is still a Jew. Meaning that he/she lived a Jew died a Jew, and might still feel Jewish after he died.  We just collected some special water and threw it on the other side of the barrier so he could *choose* to continue on. 

And for those of you who don't believe, hopefully, someone throws a bottle of water to the other side for you... Just In Case.

Here is the official stance from the LDS church.

If you have questions, feel free to comment or email me at Kikastrophe@gmail.com

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Elite

I am a special being born with unique powers, which give me the ability to feel much deeper and stronger than everyone else.  I need to go through special training to teach me how to ground this power so it doesn't leave my control and explode. I also have the ability to feel what others have, almost in a psychic sense. 

While the downside is intense/extreme pain and sadness, I also feel excitement, get happy, and Love much deeper and stronger for much longer than regular people.

We are called Borderlines. 

I am part of an Elite group of people born with this ability, born with so much raw energy, I have to go through training to control it. 

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.

.

.

.

.

Or, at least, that's what I tell myself now. 

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Emotions

Well, its been a crazy up and down week.

Lets start facts:

• I'm moving back out of the house into my own place, and received a text from the girl I'm taking her contract from that it'll be this weekend or beginning of next week when I can move in.

 My room includes that giant window on the bottom left of the house.  That whole section is mine.  Its as big as the living room which is the other side of the house.

• A girl on twitter announced they were holding try outs for a Pro Girl Gamer MW3 team, and I'm well, going to try out.  This would be pretty cool. 
• I've been drinking a less intense version of 5-hour energy called "Red Rain" in the morning at 5 am when I wake up, and I've been maintaining an energy level that's similar to my old self.  This is also causing intense focus, and productivity levels beyond that of anything in the last little while.  My old creativity is coming out. 

Last Saturday, my old kick came back when I somehow convinced those of my friends in Utah to get to J-dawgs with me.  And they all came.  And it was fun.  And I found, that while I did my typical "I'm watching you to determine which traits of yours are cool and I want to adopt" (which is NOT how things are supposed to work) I found that I was also as interactive with them as everyone else was interactive with each other, as opposed to feeling like I was watching from the outside, and couldn't get in.  It was a first, and I think it was attributed to the extra boost of energy.

At some point people disappeared, and those of us left were attempting to locate Ben, who had been seen shortly before that watching a girl, and we wondered if Ben had worked up the courage to talk to her.  Mikey, Donny, Chris and I were standing in the parking lot, talking about Ben's disappearance when Mikey did a double take down the sidewalk leading all of us to believe he had spotted Ben, which he hadn't but we launched a conversation about using Donny's eyes as binoculars, with the following statement:

Mikey lifts Donny up to see: Donny! what do your elf eyes see?

We found Ben inside though, and he was talking to a girl, prompting us to figure out how to take a picture of them, with the rest of us photobombing it with our faces plastered at the window.

While waiting for Ben to get done with said girl, Mikey managed to get a hold of my keys while looking at the Dr. Who noise maker on them, and managing to get into my car and start backing out without me noticing.  I climbed onto the hood of the car, and he stopped moving.  I told Donny to get a picture, tossing him my phone, and posing sexily on the car, Mikey turned on the wiper fluid spraying me and forcing me to flip off the car.

We have fun times. 

Later that night, we were all chilling at Kristenfer's place, when a Cory incident happened.  The details of which don't need to be shared, but needless to say it killed my mood.  But Kristenfer, dear Kristenfer had been keeping up on the blog understood on a surface level what was going on in my head, and attempted to distract. I *saw* the understanding.  The concept had been grasped, how much, I didn't know though.  I knew they understood that this pain wasn't going to go away and would 'bleed out' and they pulled 7 wonders off the table, which they had adamantly refused to play in the past, and whether out of pity, or what proceeded to create a distractable environment that made it easier to push the dwelling thought patterns out of the way, which made the emotions manageable.

Emotions.  I went to the psychologist again on Tuesday. And related what had happened with Kristenfer, and she told me to hold on to those 2. I also related experiences this last week where, due to my research, I had words to explain things.  Like earlier that day, I was on the phone with someone I was irked at, but had analyzed the situation enough that I was 'perceiving rejection' and that if they could confirm the acceptance, I would be fine, which they did, and I was. Crisis averted because I had the communication method. She said because of my awareness, my treatment will go faster and I'll definitely start seeing more results quicker.

That being said however, she had me recount experiences between me and my parents, or situations between me and Cory, in an attempt to get me to force the emotions to the surface. It was painful and awkward to sit and cry. This left me extremely emotional for the rest of the night, and tired.  As I continued to feel the situations very clearly.  (It makes me wonder if I generate a form of PTSD cause its not necessarily the event anymore that causes pain, its the trauma and consequences of the result that does, and the reminder of the trauma.)  She tried to get me to differentiate between the emotions, and pretty much confirmed what she suspected. I couldn't.  I could only lump EVERYTHING under Pain, though we were able to find Anger in there.  And she was proud of me.  She said with anger, it means I'm sensing injustice about being mistreated in certain situations, which would at some point would create assertiveness and strength inside of me.

My homework this week is to sit down with a sheet of paper that she gave me which lists 300 or so different 'feelings' To which Mikey and Kristen were utilizing yesterday to help explain themselves.  What apparently happens is everything happens all together that cause me just to explode outwards to get rid of it.  Instead of handling each one separately.  Or at least, that's how we're going to approach treatment.

I find myself asking more questions now. I ask the people around me, present for certain incidences, if what I feel is legitamate, and what exactly am I supposed to feel about it? or if its in my head 'perceived emotion'.  And again, Kristen, who seems to have embraced my disorder more so than anyone else, happily answered my questions, and even as I presented situations, pushed the question: "What are you feeling" several times trying to help me analyze my emotions.

That being said, this is going to take a while.  Bear with me.

I feel...  hopeful.  : p

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The Barrier

The Barrier. 

Once upon a time, there was a girl.  She was different. Everyone could tell she was different, but no one knew why.  She did though, or at least she had an inkling.  See, she was stuck in a world behind a barrier while the rest of the world walked freely.  The people who knew her the best recognized there was a barrier, while there were some people who didn't believe it existed and couldn't see it.  

The world behind the barrier was a scary place.  It was full of monsters and pain.  Past mistakes and experiences, rejection and abandonment ran rampant behind the barrier, and she was always in contact with them. 

The walls of the barrier were hard to see through. In fact, she could only see people when they were up close, or when they tried to talk to her.  If they backed away just a little bit, their figure was blurred from view, and she was totally alone with the monsters that always chased her.  

She's tried to get out of this bubble of hers.  Using tools she created all by herself with no instruction she ran at the barrier, and stabbed it with sticks, and threw rocks.  She even created catapult to launch large objects at the barrier.   This however did more damage to the world as everything shattered inside and created more monsters and she vowed never to do that one again.   As she tries to communicate these monsters with the people on the otherside of the barrier, they don't understand. All they can say is "Why doesn't she cross the barrier?" But she can't.  It is physically impossible to escape the fear and the monsters.  And she cannot cross the barrier. "It's so easy!" They proclaimed. But its not. And no one understands this. 

And all she could do, is pound her fists against the walls of the barrier keeping her in and sob at being trapped and alone in a world only she could understand. That as hard as she tried to tell people she couldn't cross it, people either didn't believe it existed, and expected her to act and walk about freely, telling her she was stubborn or dramatic, and then walking away when they couldn't 'force her to understand'

JUST CROSS THE DUMB BARRIER! the world said.  If you did, you could be happy. And free.  We could talk. We would be willing to talk.  We could be friends! We could date! You could play with us. You would be normal.

Little did they know she tried. Every day she tried.  She tried as hard as she could all the time, to the point where she collapses now every time the world demands that she try and do what she's incapable of doing.  Everyone else can do it, I must be flawed somewhere because I can't. "I am broken"

Now, people get mad and angry when she talks about the barrier.  Or when she doesn't try and cross it anymore. "we can't be friends if this barrier is in the way" "Learn to do things our way (the real world) and then we can interact.  Maybe! If she pretends the barrier doesn't exist, or hm, maybe... buys things or caters to people so they want to come sit around the barrier and talk to her, that might work, and she might not be so alone. 

there was one person, recently, who tried to see the barrier.  In fact, he sat at the barrier for a while, while she explained about the monsters that were in her world. She didn't feel so alone, and the monsters weren't so scary. He cared enough to point out some of the weak points of the monsters and she stabbed them and made them go away.  He gave her books on weaponry to break through the barrier.  He even walked into the barrier, and said oh! this is what a barrier looks like, that's cool. that's different. You might want to get that looked at." And he saw the monsters for what they were, and felt the same fear she did, and left.  And backed away far enough from view that he disappeared.  And she was alone again. The monsters just as scary as before.  

Maybe, maybe if someone came into the barrier.  Maybe if someone crossed the barrier to see the world how I see it, they might understand. Maybe if they saw the monsters and the barrier and the freakish way the world looks, they might understand. Isn't there one person out there who can withstand what I've had to go through all my life, even for just a little bit at a time, just so things aren't so scary while I figure out how to get out of here? 

Just once, I want to find someone willing to come into my world, and hold me while I cry. 

She was told though, that the only people who should be willing to cross the barrier are scientists and psychologists. 

Its sad that she's supposed to go through this all by herself. 

But watch out world.  Someday, I'm going to build a nuclear bomb which is going to blow the barrier away.  

But for now, I will continue my research all by myself. And for everything that its worth, this girl is one of the bravest people out there.


(Not to scare anyone, cause this isn't meant to scare, but statistics are 10-20 people in a psychiatric ward are being treated for Borderline.  10% of those people, kill themselves because they can't get through the barrier, and sheer frustration leads them to think that's the only option.  The barrier is as real as it gets.  Its just only seen by those inside it.  It influences communication.  Interaction. The idea of rejection and abandonment is real. The monsters in the bubble is the fear and pain that's inescapable due to the fact that they can't cope with the emotion they feel. They feel it all until it goes away, and there's nothing they can do to push it away.  


I have been hiding in this barrier all my life, with no way to communicate what is going on, and after years of trying, I can sorta communicate what's happening inside.  I remember years and years ago trying to communicate my pain, and my body translated things outside the barrier to me punching and kicking and fighting with my parents.  


I just want people to understand, to understand why I might freak out when you move far enough away for me to think you're leaving me.  Why I cry for no reason. The fact that I feel all emotion. I feel every ounce of pain that most people know how to push away.  )

 "kikastrophe: I am alone in the fact I have no connection to the outside world, the real world.  I am broken, one of the more broken people out there. and the only way I can not feel alone is to cross a barrier that I'm physically unable to cross. All I can do is run up against it and pound my fists at it while the world says, "why doesn't she cross it"
kikastrophe: "We could communicate if she can cross it"
kikastrophe: "we could be friends if she could cross it"
kikastrophe: maybe, someone should come cross the barrier into my world
kikastrophe: even just to sit with me in there while I learn how to cross it"

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Understanding

Twitterfriend: But any emotions that weren't positive were rejected, so I learned to push them all aside. That's not a healthy way to live. Fundamentally flawed. Yes. It's the worst feeling in the world. Nobody should have to feel that way.

me: I feel like if I want to be someone who is wanted or accepted, then I have to be the friend who never gets mad or who never feels angry

Twitterfriend: Even now, I still feel that way. I've been married for 15 years to a wonderful man, and there's still a part of me that says, "there's just something not right."

me: Even though I recognize that other people are annoying and are still accepted.

Twitterfriend: Because those emotions are BAD. I know.
I'm so sorry.
And the hell of it all is that we have more empathy and feel more deeply than the average person

Because if you get mad enough times, or even once, they will leave.  Everyone leaves. 

She knows.  Someone approached me on twitter about my borderline, because she was diagnosed with it at 18, and is now 35, and she has been through so much work.

She got hers from her environment growing up. 

Even now as I live in my house, I'm told I have to be in compliance with their way of life to live there, that any feelings of difference should be kept to myself and let go of, cause they're incorrect. 

Which follows the "my emotions are wrong" "my existence is wrong" statements that I've said long before I ever heard about Borderline. 

And even then, no one understands.

Except for her. 

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Borderline Dump

“I wаs juѕt wondering if, when you got cured оf BPD, or at ӏеast wеrе wеӏӏ on tһе way to recovery, wһether уou wеre аbӏe tо heal аny of thе relationships that уоu hаd lost becauѕе of BPD issues? I hаѵе sо mаny of thоѕe relationships, people that I miss and wіѕh werе back іn my life. And if yоu did, I’d be interested in knowing hоw you went аbоut dоing that. Thanks а lot.” - Someone with BPD

 The Shrink yesterday diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Like, a clear case.  And while I am happy to have a definition and a potential path to less pain, its disheartening.  I.have.Borderline.  I have what is known as one of the hardest things to fix.  And what leads several people to suicide because of frustration.  See the end of this blogpost to see why this is painful to me. Who wants to be around a borderline? Who wants to date, love or be friends with a borderline?  
 
 Everything that I am right now is bandaged and bridged over the gaps that everyone else has.  And its coming to the point where its all falling apart internally.  My reality is being challenged. The way that I see myself and the world is incorrect. 
 
BYU comp clinic referenced the idea that I had Borderline on the phone based on the experiences I described of myself, so they referred me to someone else. Without saying anything about borderline, I got myself an appointment, and they gave me to a doctor who diagnosed me with borderline.  In fact, she "loves borderlines, they are the funnest people to treat" and suspects this is why the director keeps giving borderline patients. 
 
So without saying anything, I was directed to the doctor in the clinic who has *the most* experience with borderlines and LOVES to treat them.   This has *GOT* to be a sign that I'm on the right path finally. 

She went so far as to 'diagnose' me with depression, so that my insurance would cover my treatment, cause most, if any, insurances won't cover what I have.
 
She was also impressed with how self aware I am, and how much discernment I have of the origin of thoughts and the control I have. 
 
Unfortunately I have no idea how much control I have left as I'm unravelling around the edges.  From here on out, are statements I have collected that describe me.  I have blog posts I could link to things, experiences you have discerned concerning Nathaniel, and Cory. Feelings of Abandonment from my friends. Fear. Paranoia. Pain.   And even THIS.  This describes aspects of BDP that I hadn't recognized, yet shows my self awareness as I analyze myself internally.  
 
Anyways.  Here are my pieces.

emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."

"I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."

"Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."

Many professionals are turned-off by working with people with this disorder, because it draws on many negative feelings from the clinician


People who are sometimes diagnosed with borderline personality disorder experience extreme swings in their emotions, see the world in black-and-white shades, and seem to always be jumping from one crisis to another. Because few people understand such reactions — most of all their own family and a childhood that emphasized invalidation — they don’t have any methods for coping with these sudden, intense surges of emotion.

The complex symptoms of the disorder often make patients difficult to treat and therefore may evoke feelings of anger and frustration in professionals trying to help, with the result that many professionals are often unwilling to make the diagnosis or treat persons with these symptoms.  These problems have been aggravated by the lack of appropriate insurance coverage for the extended psychosocial treatments that BPD usually requires

Borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):

• vulnerability vs invalidation
• active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
• unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.

People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.


They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.

They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.

Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.

Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.




   

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships

Other symptoms of BPD include:

Fear of being abandoned
•Feelings of emptiness and boredom
•Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
•Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
•Intolerance of being alone
•Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure.^{[n 3]} Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety^[7] and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative

Borderline personality disorder was once classified as a subset of schizophrenia (describing patients with borderline schizophrenic tendencies).

Individuals with BPD are often described, including by some mental health professionals (and in the DSM-IV),^[13] as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.^{[14][15][n 4]} There has been limited research on family members' understanding of borderline personality disorder and the extent of burden or negative emotion experienced or expressed by family members

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

•Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment -
(The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, emotion, thinking and behavior. Someone with borderline personality disorder will be very sensitive to things happening around them in their environment. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger, even when faced with a realistic separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans. For instance, becoming very angry with someone for being a few minutes late or having to cancel a lunch date. People with borderline personality disorder may believe that this abandonment implies that they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors.)

• Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."  
• Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
• Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
• Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
• Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
• Heavy need for affection and reassurance
• Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy

 
•A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficient supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.)

•Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
(There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values and types of friends. These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. Although they usually have a self-image that is based on being bad or evil, individuals with borderline personality disorder may at times have feelings that they do not exist at all. Such experiences usually occur in situations in which the individual feels a lack of a meaningful relationship, nurturing and support. These individuals may show worse performance in unstructured work or school situations. )

•Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
•Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
•Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
•Chronic feelings of emptiness
•Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
•Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may display affective instability that is due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to interpersonal stresses.

Some researchers, believe that BPD is a name given to a particular manifestation of post-traumatic stress disorder

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Borderline

Borderlines are the patients psychologists fear most. As many as 75% hurt themselves, and approximately 10% commit suicide — an extraordinarily high suicide rate (by comparison, the suicide rate for mood disorders is about 6%). Borderline patients seem to have no internal governor; they are capable of deep love and profound rage almost simultaneously. They are powerfully connected to the people close to them and terrified by the possibility of losing them — yet attack those people so unexpectedly that they often ensure the very abandonment they fear. When they want to hold, they claw instead. Many therapists have no clue how to treat borderlines

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, promiscuous and intense sexuality, gambling and recklessness in general.^[10] Attachment studies have revealed a strong association between BPD and insecure attachment style, the most characteristic types being "unresolved", "preoccupied", and "fearful".^[11] Evidence suggests that individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert^[6] to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships.^[12] They tend to view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent.^[6] 




Dear Kristen. What's your diagnosis....  you are the person I hold to know me better than anyone else. 


:)

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Lovely.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

I've always wanted to have Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is the reason that BYU therapy services are telling me I'm beyond their help. Based on questions they asked, and my evaluation of my life and things that are happening they have unofficially diagnosed me with BPD. And recommend that I come take a psychiatric evaluation to get a legitimate diagnosis.

Which leads me to the question, will I actually ever find someone who understands?

Why couldn't I be born normal, and have a normal life. and a normal family and see the world in a normal fashion, and learn about friendships in the normal way?

I cannot adequately express the pain I feel at being so broken and alone in my views of life.  And how disconnected I am from the rest of the world.  

I am going to combine this post with the other post I was writing.

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Dealing with people who have mental disabilities is a whole other ballpark for people who don't have them.

And while the idea that they have a disability shouldn't be used as an excuse for behavior, its more just a statement that they are going to see the world differently than you are. They are going to interpret things differently than you are.

Telling them they're wrong for interpreting things the way the are causes pain to them.  Especially if they're suffering from lack of acceptance.

Pretend for the sake of things, that you see the world as blue. Everything is blue.  And for the sake of argument, whether you believe the mental distress phenomenon or not, that you come across someone who sees the world in Red.

You can tell them over and over that the world is blue, and they won't understand it. In fact, it'll confuse them.  And if you tell them they're wrong for seeing the world as red. And you can spend all this time trying to convince them that their world is not red.  And still later, because they still perceive blue as their world, you get mad because you've spent all this time trying to help them 'fit in' and 'be normal' and 'be like you' and 'see the way you are right' BUT IT STILL DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE STILL SEEING THE COLOR RED! IT DOESN'T CHANGE HOW THEY FEEL! Just because you see the solution doesn't mean that they do.

and if they come to you and say, "i wish you could see how I see."  "I see this and it makes me sad" or "i see this and i feel this." and you respond with, "well, I've tried all this time to show you the world is actually blue, if you would JUST LISTEN TO ME YOU'D SEE THIS!" Confuses them even more, because they are alone in seeing the world as green, and as they tried to gain some understanding....

The only way said  red people can 'fit in' according to some, is to pretend like they see the world in blue.  Which confuses them.  In fact it causes pain. Cause they pretend that their perceptions aren't real, or aren't valid.  Just to make other people feel better about the situation. Which leads to alot more damage than anything else.

Now. It might be possible for said red people to understand the blue world.  and make connections.  Or even go through surgery and therapy or medications that alter the perception. And that takes time.  But regardless, The point remains the same.

Are you ready?

DO NOT TRY THE SAME METHODS TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO IS DIFFERENT THAT YOU WOULD USE ON SOMEONE WHO IS THE SAME!

And if you do: DO NOT GET MAD WHEN YOU DON'T GET THE DESIRED REACTION

Geez.  More than once I have people say: We do this for you and this for you.

Recently I was told:

because it is clear to us (and others who have tried to help you) that you wouldn’t/shouldn’t feel that way if you took the blinders off and remembered that we (and many others) have been there for you and have sacrificed much in order to help you. And, in so doing, you would/should be showing gratitude, realizing you are not alone.

Yes people have done lots for me. I have never said that they didn't.

BUT BY EXPRESSING THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY WITH THE RESULTS OF YOUR ATTEMPTS TO HELP VIA *YOUR* METHODS... Repeat, *YOUR METHODS*  you make the other person feel guilty about feeling anything in the first place. Which just complicates the issue.

Many people have, intentionally or not, made me feel guilty for feeling anything that I feel.  Which makes me feel less and less accepted.

More and more people should be saying: "Why do you feel this way, what's the core issue, how can we help in the way you need" rather than "Lets cover everything up with nice things we do for you, and then because we do this, you can pretend like everything is all better. "

IT DOESN'T WORK.

Listen.  To everyone who has helped me out there, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for providing food and support and being around me and giving me things and paying for things and hugging and whatever.

I THANK YOU AND ACKNOWLEDGE YOU FOR THIS.

I still feel what I feel, and will continue to feel what I feel until core issues get resolved.  whether its medication or therapy or actually being able to sit down with people and legitimately explain what is causing pain.

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